Pet Therapy
A Gay Opinion 10/01/02
by R. A. Melos
The other night I was watching Naked News, The Male Edition, (Yes, I said Naked
News. It ain't Dan Rather. Thank God.), and there was a story on pet owners
and stress levels. The report was on research done to show pet owners have less
stress levels, presumably because then have pets in their lives. It also told
of how pets can act as counselors in relationships, and are sometimes better
to talk with than a significant other.
Now while I am currently a single gay male with no foreseeable Prince Charming
in my immediate future, I do have a dog. My fluffy animal companion, Zeus, a
purebred Chow. He's got the temper to prove it too. Anyway, while I don't have
that mystical, perhaps mythic, relationship with a human significant other,
I began to wonder just how my dog, albeit a very intelligent dog, could counsel
me with a relationship should I ever get one?
I'm assuming any sex counseling is out, since the operation (him, not me). This
leave me with interpersonal relationship stuff. Now Zeus, my furry little love,
does not have a great track record with interpersonal relationship. He growls
at almost everyone who comes to the house, barks at the mailman trying to intimidate
him into leaving a Milk-Bone in the mailbox (which he often does), chases any
animals which wander into our yard, and basically acts like he is in charge
of the entire world. If I didn't know better I'd say he was possessed by George
W. Bush.
So, just what advice would my pooch give me, if I were to get a boyfriend? I'm
sure it would be something along the lines of, "keep him away from my bowl,
and nobody gets hurt." Or, "You already have me, whaddya need that
geek for?" Or, "all right, but you take care of him and clean up after
him!"
On the other hand, what would he tell me to do the first time the guy broke
my heart? Hypothetically speaking of course, since I don't enter any relationship
expecting to be devastated by lies, deceit and manipulations. So what does my
doggie counselor tell me, when I catch Biff, it's a hypothetical name, with
the mailman, and they don't invite me to join them?
I'm guessing it would be either "I told you so, now get rid of that fleabag
of an excuse for a companion and take me for a walk," or "dump the
boyfriend, but be nice to the mailman, he's got the Milk-Bone supply. In fact,
start dating him. Now go, fetch."
Of course this is all hypothetical, since there is no relationship, and Zeus
doesn't put into words his feelings for the things I do. No, he communicates
very well, with a nudge or a nuzzle, or a compassionate paw, or a lick. Maybe
there is something to this animal companion counseling? Plus, a box of Milk-Bones
a week is much cheaper than fifty bucks to go lay on some stone faced doctor's
couch spilling my guts while the doctor nods and asks "What do you think
that means?"