Terror For The Holidays
A Gay Opinion 12/06/02
by R. A. Melos
*With apologies to the late Haven Gillespie
Okay, so I tend to see the darker side of things. I guess I'm drawn to the dark
side of the force, so to speak. So, anyway, here I was sitting in Panera, this
really great bakery/sandwich shop, eating a ham and swiss on their incredible
rye bread, a bowl of veggie sirloin soup, and a large iced tea, listening to
the usually funky jazz music piped in to enhance my dining experience, when
I heard Christmas songs start to play.
Now it isn't that I don't like holiday music. I love the Eagles version of Please
Come Home For Christmas, and The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping,
and I love John and Yoko's So This Is Christmas. I like all
of Adam Sandler's Chanukah Songs. I sort of like Elvis's version
of Blue Christmas, and of course I love The Heat
Miser Song, it's just once I started listening to the words for Santa
Claus Is Coming To Town I realized what a terrifying and threatening
song it was.
I have no idea what composer Haven Gillespie had in mind, but this is my take
on it.
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh! You better watch out,
you better not cry,
you better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!
Whoa! Now hold on right there. Doesn't that read like some really terrible and
frightening creature is coming? And Doesn't it send shivers up and down your
spine? Personally, it scares the bejesus outta me.
He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town!
He sees you when you're sleeping,
he knows when you're awake.
He knows when you've been bad or good,
so be good for goodness sake!
Again, I say whoa! Just how much are we trying to frighten little children?
Not that I'm a fan of children to begin with, but gee whiz, isn't this already
going into overkill? I mean, he's making a list and checking it twice. Come
on already. Children are impressionable, for crying out loud! You're scaring
the crap out of them with threats of a larger than life character who can see
you when you're sleeping, and knows when you're awake.
So...You better watch out, You better not cry
You better not pout, I'm Telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Little tin horns, little toy drums.
Rudy-toot-toot and rummy tum tums.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Oh sure. Now you throw in little tin horns and little toy drums heralding the
arrival of this evil and obviously oppressive creature. Hell, it's enough to
make me wanna avoid little tin horns and little toy drums, and I'm a grown up!
Little toy dolls that cuddle and coo,
Elephants, boats and Kiddie cars too.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
That's right kids! All the little toys you want are being brought to you by
some imposing creature who knows everything about you. I wouldn't be surprised
if he doesn't, in some way, resemble Attorney General John Ashcroft or possibly
head of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. Do as they say kiddies, and maybe you'll
get a toy doll or a toy boat.
Remember, the song is very old, so you can substitute PlayStation™ and
GameCube™ for toy doll and toy boat. Just because the song is outdated
doesn't mean the threat is lessened. Santa Claus is still coming, so do as you're
told, or...or...well, just do as you're told.
The kids in Girl and boy land
will have a jubilee.
They're gonna build a toy land town
all around the Christmas tree.
Sure they are, because they are good children who do everything their parent
tell them to do without question. They follow the rules without questioning
authority, and thus they are rewarded. They may be living lives like sheep,
eventually to be led to slaughter, but as long as they are blind to the dangers
of the world, and obedient to their parents and all figures of authority, they
are spared whatever horror Santa has for bad little children who question his
right to pry into their lives.
Ohh....You better watch out, you better not cry.
You better not pout, I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
One final threat, veiled as it may be, assuring blind obedience from the children
of the world. Be good, or Santa'll get you. Who knows what evil he'll do once
he has you. After all, we don't really know where elves come from, do we? Maybe
they are the bad children he's cast a spell over, turning them into short pointy
eared freaks (vertically and auricly challenged for the politically correct
amongst you), who must obey his will or have something worse happen to them.
I'm not saying the song isn't cute, in the rather demonic way all things geared
toward oppression of the spirit are cute, but if I were to be a parent I sure
wouldn't want my kids to feel the ominous threat of Santa Claus hanging over
their heads all year long, with him getting closer and closer as Christmas approaches,
until he's come and gone for another year, allowing the children a safe haven
once again.
Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm reading more into it than was originally intended,
but in these troubled times we must not take things at face value. We have to
delve below the surface to investigate the possible hidden dangers lurking just
behind the bright red suit and tummy that shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
We can't simply assume this is an innocent children's song, but see it for the
brainwashing material it is!
Do as you're told, kiddies! Fear the big authority figure who has your happiness
in the palm of his hand. He can snatch away that GameCube™ in the blink
of an eye. Who knows what else he can snatch away, tossing in a detainment camp
somewhere in the middle of no where until he's satisfied you are properly submissive?
Hell, I know I won't be sleeping on Christmas Eve. I'll be sitting up, with
my dog and as many weapons as I possibly can amass in the few days left before
the oppressive threat sweeps over the world, watching the skies for anything
that remotely looks like a sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer, with a "jolly"
old elf in the pilot's seat. I'll be ready for him, and I suggest you all do
the same.
Don't even get me started on the hidden meanings in Frosty The Snowman.
Have a safe and happy holiday season.