Bobby The Realtor Slayer
There's a Fine Line Between Reality,
Sanity, And Real Estate
A Gay Opinion 8/15/02
by R. A. Melos
I rise each day with the noontime sun, to face the world. Usually I can get
through some of the typical start of my day rituals such as showering, shaving,
and blow drying my hair without encountering anything more evil than a clogged
drain. After donning my Realtor costume, usually a nice dress shirt, casual
slacks and boots or loafers depending or my mood, I venture from the safety
of my hovel into the world.
Once outside of the safety of my home the real world becomes the source of evil
one usually only reads about in Stephen King novels or the front page of one's
local newspaper. If I'm lucky enough to get to the office without encountering
some wicked Healmouth creature in a Hyundai or a minivan, I manage to hold on
to my sanity for that much longer. Once I'm in the office, and dealing with
the general public, my fragile grip on reality slips away and I become Bobby
The Realtor Slayer.
It was subtle at first, barely noticeable by any standards. I would get a call
from some greedy troll, er, seller, looking to market their cave, er, home,
and my job would be to research the grimoire, er, multiple listings system in
order to give them an idea of what their chamber of horrors, er, three bedroom
split-level tract house would be worth on the open market.
I actually used to not be able to see through their human disguises, only seeing
a pleasant couple, or single person, with or without children, inquiring as
to their possible financial futures. Then one day something happened. Something
went snap, and I suddenly saw buyers, and sellers, and lawyers for the demons,
and trolls, and creatures from Hell they were. I would call it a blessing or
vision, or illusion of the mind, depending on your point of view.
So usually my day starts off in one plane of existence, until that first encounter
of the day with greedy trolls or ignorant demons, and then the planes shift
and I start to see evil everywhere. As the day progresses, in my mind, I stake,
slay, fillet, decapitate, and skewer any number of trolls, demons, gnomes, and
lawyers (funny how they remain the same in the evil realms) while showing houses,
writing and negotiating contracts, and dealing with other Realtors in general.
Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, or perhaps I really do see evil and hellish
creatures every time I turn around. I'm never quite sure what to expect after
the first appearance of the first greedy troll of the day. Some days are relatively
good, and I only have to verbally slay a money sucking lawyer or two over the
phone. It's the other days which I dread. I'm talking about the days when a
demon or troll walks in off the street requesting my services.
Don't they realize I'm going to have to slay them, in my imagination at least,
in order for me to get through the day with my relative sanity still intact,
somewhere? Of course demons and trolls, er, buyers and sellers don't realize
this when they walk in because how many Realtors out there in the real world
are also slayers? I mean, if you're a demon or troll, what are the chances a
Realtor Slayer will be in the real estate agency you've chosen to represent
you?
Aside from the usually greedy trolls and demons, I do occasionally deal with
human beings. Admittedly this is a rare occasion, but every now and again a
human being will call up asking for a price on a property they've driven passed,
or seen an ad for in a magazine or newspaper, but many of them are infected
with the troll gene, and after one or two meetings they start to turn from human
to greedy troll, looking to steal a property from another greedy troll, er,
seller.
I know my sanity may be in question at this point, but I assure you, I'm only
here to protect the world from greedy trolls and evil demons, er, overly enthusiastic
buyers and sellers. I'm not here to arbitrarily slay, skewer, mutilate, or decapitate
all of the evil creatures I encounter, only the ones who annoy me in my pursuit
of my daily happiness.
The world is a big place, and trolls and evil demons deserve equal and fair
real estate representation, even in New Jersey. I try not to slay, but the inevitable
happens. A troll, er, seller, or an evil demon, er, buyer, or a lawyer, will
just piss me off, and snap! There I am wielding a stake and sword, er, calculator
an contract, and the next thing I know, demons and trolls and lawyers are littering
my office floor.
Perhaps Realtor Slayer isn't the right occupation for me? Maybe I should be
working in something less likely to attract evil, like advertising?