It Ain't No Big Thing
A Gay Opinion 6/21/02
by R. A. Melos
I went to a wedding last Saturday night. I know, I swore I wouldn't go to another
wedding until it was legal in all 50 states for same-sex partners to get married.
I actually swore this as a way of avoiding giving a gift. I was still showing
solidarity and support of my people, so I figured saving money and supporting
the cause of legalization of same-sex marriages was a bonus.
I really wouldn't have gone to another wedding, but this one came up and I really
care for the two people who were getting married. I've known the groom for almost
20 years, and the bride for about three, and I have always thought of the groom
and his family as close to me as my own family in that way you consider non-blood
relations family by default.
So I went to this wedding, thinking about how a group of politicians is looking
to amend the US Constitution to state only marriages between a man and a woman
will be recognized in the United States. I went thinking of how religious leaders
like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and the Pope proclaim marriage to be a sacred
union which can only be between a man and a woman. I went thinking how much
is an appropriate amount to give when it is currently illegal for me to subtly
demand reciprocation by staging my own wedding to a partner whom I would choose?
The entire concept of marriage is something which I used to find abominable.
How could anyone love another person, male or female, enough to want to spend
the rest of their lives together, I wondered?
From an early age, somewhere in the back of my subconscious mind, I knew I would
never get married. The whole "let's give a party for 200 of our closest
friends and some family mixed in," and the "let's proclaim our love
in front of God and the whole world" things didn't seem to fit into my
feelings of what life was all about. Oh, I always wanted to have a loving relationship
with a partner, although I never envisioned a partner of the opposite sex when
I envisioned the relationship, I never considered the legal ramifications of
marriage important.
For me the concept of marriage was about being with the person you love. I never
considered what would happen if the marriage didn't work out, or think about
pre-nuptial agreements as a safety net should one partner or the other choose
to bail out. I never thought marriages should end in divorce. Marriage was about
feelings of love and desire, and ideas of sitting on a couch together holding
hands and not even talking because you didn't have to talk to communicate your
feelings.
Marriage has always been about knowing and caring for another person, and wanting
to make that person happy so much so, you didn't put your own needs first all
of the time. Yes, marriage was about sacrifice, and struggle, and handling everyday
problems with ease. It was about being a family, with or without children, and
enjoying the life you were given to live, without feeling sad, or lonely, or
guilty.
All of these feelings are universal. You don't have to be heterosexual to experience
love for another person, or the desire to put someone else's needs ahead of
your own. You don't have to be heterosexual to want to share your life with
another person, or enjoy their company to the extent you want to live together
for the rest of your life.
So I went to this wedding thinking of all the negative aspects of marriage I
feel when I look at brides and grooms. I'm talking about divorce, and cheating,
and lying, and hurting each other out of spite or anger, and all the things
which society has planted in my mind over the years, and I was surprised to
find none of it.
What I saw was a couple so in love all they cared about were each other. I saw
families which came together in love and harmony, without the petty infighting
and back biting so frequently portrayed in based on real life event television
movies. I did miss the behind the scenes interviews you might see on such reality-based
TV programming as Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire, The Bachelor, Bachelorette,
Shipmates, Temptation Island, or any other love match programs designed to give
us insight into the inner workings of relationships and the minds of couples
contemplating marriage and togetherness for a lifetime.
I saw a couple who could've been of any sexual orientation, who just happened
to be heterosexual, without any hidden agenda outside of sharing their love
for one another with the world, and I was moved. I was moved because it is exactly
what I want and expect in a relationship, and my relationship will be a same-sex
union. I will love my partner and look at him the way my friend looked at his
partner, and I will know we are partners, equals in love and lust, and desire,
and happiness and know we will be together because we want to be. That is the
marriage I want, expect and demand for myself.
I don't need anyone telling me my love is less real, or wrong, or not important
because it is love for someone of the same sex. I don't want anyone telling
me I am not allowed to express my love, happiness, or desire because it doesn't
meet an image of what some people think love and marriage should be. I flat
out reject anyone, congressional, Papal or otherwise who tells me my love will
not be legally recognized.
We need to focus as a nation on the feelings of love, rather than for which
sexual orientation those feelings are for, and move on to a peaceful and loving
future.
I went to a wedding last Saturday night, and it was a big thing, but not in
the ways you might imagine.